I Would Have Retraced My Steps

I am working to finish up a paper for a book that is scheduled to be published in the near future.  It basically an expansion of my paper on the interactions of American Saints with the British urban environment and the corresponding interactions of British Saints with the American environment.  In order to expand the paper and add some depth to it, I have had to do some additional research into missionary letters and diaries as well as pioneer letters and diaries.

One of the letters that stood out to me was from a British brother by the name of Edward Tolton who wrote to a family member about his experiences in emigrating from Liverpool to Nauvoo in 1842.  Tolton wrote:

"We set sail from Liverpool to America on the Medford, a sailing vessel, Sept. 15th, 1842, and after enduring a siege of seasickness which continued (as regards myself) for four or five weeks, we anchored in the port of New Orleans, the first day of November 1841.  Had any other feelings than those of despondency and dread for the perils of the sea which pervaded my breast at this time, predominated over my will, I evidently would have retraced my steps.  However, considering these drawbacks, a very enjoyable time was realized the few days we remained in the 'Delta City.'  We then embarked on the Mississippi Steamboat for St. Louis, Missouri and reached our destination about the middle of November.  The weather was, and had been for several days, extremely cold and wintery, and the climate so different from that of my native clime, that had I been in possession of the necessary means, I should have bade the New World a final farewell and sought the 'Green Lanes of Merry England.'" (Edward Tolton to J. F. Tolton, 25 September 1885, MS 409, L. Tom Perry Special Collections, BYU).

This isn't the kind of pioneer narrative that we generally cite.  This letter doesn't end with a happy description of how Edward persevered and arrived in Nauvoo and was blessed for all of his struggles--though he did stay faithful in the Church throughout his life.  But there is something that I find endearing in this letter.  I love this letter's reality.  Brother Tolton wasn't sugar coating his experiences.  The trip across the ocean had been miserable, and when he arrived in America, it just wasn't the same as England (I'm sure that my sister Stephanie will concur).

Amidst all of these challenges, Brother Tolton was strongly tempted to go back home; to return to what was familiar and comfortable and easy.  And so it is for all of us.  Sooner or later, life will confront us with a situation where the challenges seem so daunting that we will be tempted to retreat.  But these are the very moments when our lives and our eternities are defined.  As Elder Holland counseled years ago in a BYU Devotional, "This opposition turns up almost anyplace something good has happened. . . . Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing.  If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now.  Don't give up when the pressure mounts. . . . Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. . . . Face your doubts.  Master your fears.  'Cast not away therefore your confidence.'  Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you" (Jeffrey R. Holland, BYU Devotional, 2 March 1999).

Gratefully, Brother Tolton did not retreat to "Merry England," as tempting a prospect as that might have seemed.  He didn't go on to any prominence.  In fact, this letter was the first time I had ever heard of Edward Tolton.  But he stayed with the Kingdom in spite of the strongest temptations to retreat.  Because of that decision, he qualified for the blessings of the temple.  And his family now surely blesses him for his resilience in the face of these trials.

In our moments where we desire to retreat, we can be blessed with a calm assurance that our circumstances and concerns are real.  But then we must draw upon the powers of faith to resist the temptations to return to the old, the familiar, and the comfortable.  We must understand that in these moments, we are forging not only our own eternal destinies, but those of our family.  And then let us stay the course and master our fears.

Brett